A Real Test in Restraint... Sometimes
Laurence H Johns
“He who is not a good servant will not be a good master.”
– Plato
We talk a lot about power:
How to harness it.
How to channel it.
How to project it.
But power isn’t just about what you can do.
It’s about what you choose not to do.
It’s about who you become when you have every right to react, to dominate, to strike – and you don’t.
That’s restraint.
And in a culture addicted to expression, dominance, and constant validation, restraint is one of the most radical things a man can practice.
Not passive.
Not avoidant.
Not weak.
Restraint is real strength in disguise.
And most of us weren’t taught how to wield it.
We Grew Up Worshipping the Explosion.
The men we idolised were not calm.
They were charismatic, aggressive, bold.
They took what they wanted. They acted.
We grew up thinking power meant impact.
That if you didn’t speak, strike, or assert – someone else would, and you’d lose your place.
So we learned to interrupt.
To clap back.
To break up, storm out, escalate, or crush opposition just to feel in control.
We learned to perform strength because no one taught us how to contain it.
But the real test?
It comes in the pause.
In the breath you take when your ego’s raging and your hands are twitching.
That’s where the man shows up.
Why Restraint Feels Like Losing.
Restraint threatens the part of you that equates silence with surrender.
When you're hurt, restraint feels like weakness.
When you're disrespected, it feels like being walked on.
When you're angry, it feels like betrayal.
Because your nervous system is primed for survival, not reflection.
You don’t pause naturally. You react.
You strike fast, talk sharp, shut down or shut others out—not because you’re cruel, but because somewhere in your story, not acting once cost you something.
So now, the body believes this:
“If I don’t do something right now, I’ll lose.”
But what if that’s not true any-more?
The Turning Point: Restraint Is Not Suppression—It’s Mastery.
Suppression is stuffing it down.
Swallowing rage. Playing small. Smiling when you want to scream.
That’s not what we’re talking about.
Restraint is conscious.
It’s strength under control.
It’s having the words, the weapon, the wisdom to cut – and choosing not to, because that choice serves something bigger:
Your values.
Your peace.
Your vision.
Your self-respect.
It’s the man in the arena who sees the punch coming, knows how to throw a harder one, and lowers his fists instead.
Because winning is no longer the goal – integrity is.
What Restraint Actually Looks Like.
Holding back the reply that would win the argument but ruin the trust.
Walking away from a cheap win because your legacy isn’t built on ego.
Saying nothing in the moment because truth without timing is just another weapon.
Letting someone underestimate you—and not needing to prove them wrong.
Sitting in discomfort without flinching.
Choosing patience when every part of you is screaming for vengeance, validation, or closure.
Restraint isn’t reactive. It’s rooted.
And that rooting gives birth to respect—from others, yes, but more importantly, from yourself.
The Real-World Task: Practice the Pause.
This week, commit to one thing:
Don’t react instantly.
In one situation where you would normally strike – pause.
Don’t send the message.
Don’t escalate the moment.
Don’t correct, cut, or control.
Just observe.
Let the heat pass through you. And then respond from power – not pain.
Reflective Exercise: The Restraint Inventory
Where do I confuse reactivity with strength?
In what situations does restraint feel the hardest for me – and why?
What am I afraid will happen if I don't respond immediately?
Where in my life would restraint create deeper impact, if I trusted it?
What would it mean to become a man who chooses his fire, rather than burns by default?
Reading List.
Meditations – Marcus Aurelius
The Obstacle Is the Way – Ryan Holiday
No More Mr. Nice Guy – Dr. Robert Glover
Mastery – Robert Greene
The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
