Don’t Confuse Intensity with Intimacy.

“Some people bring chaos and call it passion. Some people bring silence and call it peace. Know the difference.”

– Laurence H Johns

We’ve all been there.

That relationship that electrified you.
That one person who made your blood roar, your heart race, your mind spiral.
Every text hit like a drug. Every fight burned like gasoline. The sex felt cosmic. The silence felt like death.

You told yourself: “This must be real love.”

But here’s the truth:

Intensity is not intimacy.

Intensity is adrenaline.
Intensity is uncertainty.
Intensity is the drama cycle your nervous system got trained to crave when you were too young to know better.

But intimacy?
That’s slower.
Quieter.
Deeper.
Scarier.

Because it doesn’t just crack you open.
It asks you to stay open.

Why We Mistake Intensity for Depth

Let’s get honest.

For a lot of us, intensity feels like home.

• If you grew up in chaos, then calm feels boring.

• If you learned love equals volatility, then peace feels fake.

• If no one taught you how to be seen safely, then the only way you’ll let someone in is if they rip the door off the hinges.
  

Intensity mimics depth - but it’s a performance.
It’s loud. Sudden. Addictive.
And it dies as fast as it rises.

Because intensity is about reaction - not connection.

The Cycle of Intensity

It goes like this:

1. Spark – The dopamine hit. Instant connection. You call it chemistry.

2. Fusion – You drop everything. They become your world.

3. Fracture – A trigger. A wound. A fear. It all unravels.

4. Collapse – Withdrawal. Anger. Stonewalling. Drama.

5. Reignite – The reunion. The sex. The tears. The promise.
   

Repeat.

Each cycle feels like intimacy. Like progress. Like fate.

But it’s just trauma in drag.

Real intimacy doesn’t come in cycles.
It comes in layers.
Built slowly. Held with care. Felt in the mundane.

If intensity is a fire that flares and dies,
Intimacy is a hearth that warms your soul - and doesn’t burn your house down.

The Turning Point: Choose Depth Over Drama

Here’s what mature love asks:

Can you stay when the fireworks fade?

Can you:

• Sit in silence without panic?

• Hold someone’s truth without fixing?

• Reveal your fear without collapsing?

• Feel safe in peace - not just thrill?

Because the moment you stop chasing intensity,
you begin to build something real.

Not a movie.
A life.

The Task: Discern the Pattern

This week, you’re going to separate intensity from intimacy in your own life.

Real-World Task

1. Track the Highs
   List your last 2–3 intense relationships or situationships.
   For each, answer:

• What made it feel powerful?

• What did I ignore?

• How quickly did it go from “amazing” to “unstable”?
  

2. Spot the Nervous System Hook
   Ask: “What did I feel in my body during those ‘intimate’ moments?”
   Was it relaxation? Safety?
   Or was it tightness, anticipation, anxiety?
   
   That’s your addiction - not your connection.
   

3. Choose a Different Door
   This week, slow down with someone you care about.
   Speak with presence.
   Listen without trying to win.
   Let it be calm. Let it be “boring.”
   See what truth lives there.
   

Reflective Exercise

Each night this week, write:

“Where did I choose real connection over performance today?”

Even once is enough.
That’s how the nervous system starts to rewire.

Reading List

1. Attached – Levine & Heller
   Essential to understanding why we’re drawn to emotional volatility.
   

2. Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – Deb Dana
   A look at how the body experiences safety, love, and connection.
   

3. Intimacy & Desire – David Schnarch
   A mature take on real emotional and sexual connection.
   

4. Come As You Are – Emily Nagoski
   Focused on female sexuality but groundbreaking for understanding intimacy vs. arousal cycles.
   

5. Getting the Love You Want – Harville Hendrix
   A framework for breaking unconscious love patterns.

Intensity is easy.

You can find it in a text thread, a fantasy, a jealous argument, a drunken kiss.

But intimacy?

That’s the work.

That’s the risk.

That’s the medicine.

So here’s the challenge:

Next time you feel the rush - pause.
Ask yourself:

Is this connection—or just chemistry?
Is this depth—or just adrenaline?
Is this love—or just a pattern repeating itself again?

Because the man who can tell the difference…

He’s finally free.