Boys / Young Men Need More Than Warnings –They Need a Real Alternative.
“The greatest danger is not that young men will listen to the wrong voices. It’s that they won’t hear any real voices at all.”
– Unknown
There’s a lot of talk about teaching boys what not to be.
Don’t fall for toxic masculinity.
Don’t follow these influencers.
Don’t become like the men you see online.
It’s a well-intentioned message, and yes, some of these figures deserve the criticism. But there’s a problem – a glaring, obvious hole in the middle of it all:
What are we offering instead?
Because telling young men what not to be does not give them something to become.
And if we are not presenting them with a vision of masculinity that is just as bold, just as compelling, and just as aspirational as the one they are already drawn to, then we have already lost.
The Adolescent Search for Identity
Teenage boys do not develop their identities in isolation.
At that age, lacking lived experience, we build our sense of self through association. We look for groups, figures, and movements that resonate. We seek out tribes, because belonging shapes identity.
This is why:
Some boys join gangs—because the need for brotherhood is stronger than the fear of consequences.
Some boys gravitate towards extreme ideologies—because they want certainty, purpose, and belonging.
Some boys idolise the loudest, most provocative influencers—because confidence, even when it’s misguided, is magnetic.
They are searching for something that makes them feel strong, competent, and valued.
And if the only people speaking to those needs are the ones we criticise—then whose fault is it that boys follow them?
Masculinity is a Competition – So Start Competing
Let’s be real:
We are competing against rock-stars, fighters, and influencers who make masculinity look thrilling and dangerous.
If we are going to offer an alternative, it cannot be soft, apologetic, or diluted.
It has to be real. It has to be compelling. And it has to call boys to something bigger than themselves.
Telling boys to “be kind” is not enough. They need a code of honour to live by.
Telling boys to reject bad role models is not enough. They need men they can aspire to become.
Telling boys that masculinity isn’t just about dominance is not enough. They need a clear, powerful way to express their strength that feels just as exhilarating.
Otherwise?
They will find it elsewhere.
And we will be left wondering why the wrong voices are the ones shaping them.
What Real Role Models Look Like.
If we want to capture the attention of young men, we need role models who embody three key traits:
1. Strength—But with Responsibility
The best male role models are strong, disciplined, and powerful—but they wield that power with honour.
They are not afraid of conflict, but they don’t seek it for ego.
They compete, protect, and build, rather than just destroy.
2. Confidence—But Earned Through Challenge
Adolescent boys want confidence, but they need to understand that real confidence comes from mastery, not bravado.
Great role models teach that competence leads to confidence—not empty posturing.
They show that struggle is not failure—it’s the price of growth.
3. Brotherhood—But with Standards
Young men need to belong, but they also need to be held accountable.
Weak role models surround themselves with yes-men.
Strong role models build communities where men sharpen each other, challenge each other, and demand the best from each other.
This is what boys need.
And if we are serious about giving them an alternative to the influencers they currently follow, we need to start building a movement that embodies these principles in a way they can actually connect with.
Stop Telling Boys – Start Showing Them
We can talk all day about what boys should be.
But adolescent boys do not learn by being told. They learn by watching. By imitating the men they respect.
So instead of just telling them what masculinity should look like, we need to live it in a way that makes them want to follow.
We need to:
1. Create Challenges That Give Boys a Path to Strength
They need rites of passage, physical and mental tests, and real-world trials.
They need to earn their confidence through challenge.
Give them opportunities to prove themselves—because if we don’t, someone else will.
2. Build Communities That Make Brotherhood Real
Boys need tribes—groups where they are pushed, tested, and held to a higher standard.
Not just online communities, but real, in-person mentorship and men’s groups.
If we do not give them a place to belong, they will find one somewhere else.
3. Present Masculinity as a Noble Responsibility—Not a Problem to Fix
We do not need to apologise for masculinity. We need to channel it into something great.
Show them that strength and compassion are not opposites—they are necessary counterparts.
Show them that being a man means stepping up, taking responsibility, and using their power for something bigger than themselves.
This is how we compete.
This is how we shift the narrative.
The Exercise: Step Into the Role of a Guide
Reflective Exercise:
Think back to when you were a teenager. Who shaped your view of masculinity?
Were they real role models—or just the loudest voices in the room?
Real-World Task:
If there is a younger man in your life—a brother, a nephew, a student, a mentee—be intentional about how you show up for him.
Show him, through action, what strength, discipline, and honour look like in the real world.
If We Don’t Lead, Someone Else Will Masculinity is not disappearing.
It is just being shaped by whoever is willing to speak the loudest, stand the tallest, and capture the attention of young men who are searching for identity.
If we want to change the conversation, we have to step into the arena.
Because boys don’t just need to be told what not to be.
They need to see a version of masculinity that is worth becoming.
